Grandparenting Today
EC 1459
January 1996
D. Gregerson
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Contents
Long-distance Grandparenting
Visits with Grandchildren
Step-grandparenting
Cooperation among Grandparents
Role of Grandparents
Ten Best Gifts for Grandchildren
For Further Reading
Grandparenting has become a phenomenon of
middle age rather than old age. As such, grandparents may be
experiencing some midlife crises of their own such as career
change, divorce, widowhood, dating, remarriage, or health problems.
They also may be concerned about the care of their own older
parents.
Increased mobility of families means that
generations may live apart. Geographic separation makes the relationship
grandchildren have with grandparents different from how it was
when generations lived in the same town all their lives. Nevertheless,
modern communication and travel make it possible for them to
be emotionally close.
Modern grandchildren come in all ages, not
just the smiling baby. They are in all stages of development--the
"terrible twos," the cooperative and talkative 9-year-old,
and the contrary teenage years. They are even "middle aged."
Some people in their 40s still have grandparents living.
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Long-distance
Grandparenting
Communication is important in creating a close
tie between grandparents and grandchildren. Increased geographic
distance does not have to mean decreased bonding. When distance
makes it difficult to get together, other means can be used to
build relationships with grandchildren.
Some are:
- Telephone regularly.
- Send postcards or letters addressed to the
child.
- Exchange books you have enjoyed. Keep an
eye out for books that would appeal to the grandchild's age and
interests.
- Record audio or video tapes as "letters."
- Become computer-literate and "talk"
to grandchildren via the Internet.
- Do something unexpected--write poetry, or
send telegrams, flowers, homemade gifts...anything that reminds
them you care.
- Send grandchildren old pictures of you and/or
their parents, and a little story of your life or philosophy.
When grandparents have close ties with their
children, regardless of geographic separation, they are likely
to be important to their grandchildren even if they do not see
each other often.
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Visits with Grandchildren
Visits can give you a chance to have talks
and share experiences. Visits also can be exhausting. Try these
hints for making a visit at your house more manageable.
- Prepare for the visit. Put away hazardous material (cleaning supplies, medicines,
paints, etc.) and valuable items that curious youngsters might
damage. Keep housework and other preparations to a minimum so
you won't be tired when you need your energy most.
- Rest before
grandchildren arrive.
- Establish a workable schedule. Everyone has habits of sleeping, eating, resting,
and other regular activities. Look at your schedule and your
grandchild's schedule. Plan only a few minor adjustments for
the visit. Disruptions of routines can be unsettling. Children
feel secure in a routine if they know why you think it's important.
Rest when the children nap or when older grandchildren are "doing
their own thing."
- Provide some private space. Everyone needs a place to call her or his own. Provide
your grandchild with some space to keep toys, a favorite blanket,
a pillow, and stuffed animals. One grandmother keeps toys and
dress-up clothes in an old suitcase, which is easy to get out
and put away. If you have teenage grandchildren, have a private
place for them to listen to their music or look at books or magazines
they choose. Explain which areas are theirs and which are yours.
- Provide space to be near you. Grandchildren want to be part of the action. Provide
a place where they can be near, but not in the way. A table and
chair in the kitchen allows young children to draw, look at books,
or play with clay while you cook or visit with friends and family.
- Share favorite foods. We all remember Grandma's best recipes, so be sure
to share these favorites with your grandchildren. As they get
older, perhaps they can help you prepare the recipe. Find out
what foods your grandchildren like and are used to having at
home. Be sure to have a few of these favorites on hand, too.
- Plan simple activities. Younger children enjoy simple things that become
special because they're shared with grandparents. A short walk
around the neighbor-hood, a trip to the library, a picnic in
a nearby park, or looking at a photo album are all fun, inexpensive,
and easily managed. You also might have rainy day supplies available
such as color crayons, colored paper, glue, tape, play dough,
paints, sacks, etc. Older grandchildren may enjoy computer activities,
remote-control cars or trucks, magazines, and videos.
- Learn to say "no" or you will fatigue more easily. You don't need to
do everything your grandchild wants you to do.
- Discipline.
Ideally, your disciplining of grandchildren should be consistent
with parental discipline. However, your home, routine, and rules
should be respected. Visiting your grandchildren's home can give
you a chance to see how they live and where they play, go to
school, or work. Encourage them to keep a workable schedule,
too. Sometimes families think they need to entertain you with
trips and tourist activities. If what you really want to do is
stay home and visit, be sure to share these feelings.
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Step-grandparenting
For many families that have gone through divorce
and remarriage, the role of step-grandparent has become important.
Some become as close as blood relatives. Others (especially if
the marriage is late in the child's life) can be of little importance.
Step-grandparents should not be pressured
into conforming to a stereotypical grandparent role. They can
be one of a number of positive role models and sources of support
for their new grandchildren. Common sense, willingness to compromise,
and a sense of humor can turn a complicated family network into
calm and loving relationships.
Cooperation among
Grandparents
Because life expectancy has increased, there
may be several grandparents, great- grandparents, or step-grandparents
involved in the lives of grandchildren. Grandparents should be
willing to share grandchildren. The variety of grandparenting
styles broadens children's learning. Cooperate rather than compete
with each other.
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Role of Grandparents
Grandparents can be puzzled about their role.
Many want to be helpful to their grandchildren, but they are
uncertain how to fit into the modern family. The following are
some points to consider as you decide what kind of grandparent
you want to be.
- Accept that parents have the final responsibility
for your grandchildren. Unless you
care for the grandchildren day after day in the absence of their
own mother or father, parents should have the final word on how
their children are to be reared. Grandparents should never disregard
family rules in the child's home.
- Do not undermine the authority of parents
in matters of discipline. Grandparents
sometimes want to be more lenient than parents.
- Establish your house rules. Children's misbehavior in the grandparent's home places
more responsibility on grandparents. This is particularly true
if the parents do not take action. House rules should be established
and communicated to grandchildren and their parents.
- Be willing to let each generation of parents
make its own mistakes. Families differ
in their ways of child rearing. It's hard to stand by and watch
young parents proceed on a course destined to end in unhappiness.
However, unless advice or assistance is requested, the grandparent
must be willing to allow freedom--even the freedom to make mistakes.
Grandparents should recall that they seldom listened to their
own parents, and that they also made mistakes. The important
elements in the family are love and mutual respect.
- Do not compete for the loyalty and love
of your grandchildren with their parents.
It's dangerous and unkind to come between children and their
parents. Do not turn grandchildren against their parents or try
to recast them in your image. If you find your life centering
too much on your grandchildren, develop interests and friendships
outside the family.
- Live your own life.
Being a grandparent is not a full-time career. Continue to live
a separate life of your own. Keep up with your old friends and
make new ones. Pay attention to your appearance. Cultivate personal
interests: reading, music, a course of study, crafts, club membership,
volunteer service, a paying job, or community projects.
- Keep up-to-date. Don't
tell children how much better things were in the "old days."
Make an effort to keep up with the ways life has changed or even
improved. Try to understand the world as experienced by your
children and grandchildren. Avoid being judgmental.
- Earn respect by contributing to the well-being
of the family. Showing favorites can
create a problem in the family and between siblings. When you
do something nice for one, do something nice for the others.
- Babysit on your own terms. Some grandparents enjoy babysitting their grandchildren
while others do not. Share your feeling with your children. Nothing
good comes from letting oneself be used. Love can be shown in
dozens of ways besides babysitting.
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Ten Best Gifts
for Grandchildren
- The gift of self-worth. Children feel great when their grandparents give them
positive recognition. When grandparents treasure their accomplishments,
children feel special and worthwhile.
- The gift of example. If grandchildren admire their grandparents, they may
assume some of their values and copy what they do at a later
time.
- The gift of caring. Grandparents
can show grandchildren they care by providing support when needed.
Loving and caring grandparents can, for example, help a young
child overcome the threat of a new baby in the home or provide
a sense of stability and security during difficult times in the
family. Grandparents may be able to provide what their grandchildren
need because they may have a more objective view of the situation.
- The gift of growing older gracefully.
When children have pleasant experiences
with older people who approach aging with excitement and good
humor, they have a more positive view of growing older themselves.
- The gift of knowledge. Grandparents may have special skills they can share
with their grandchildren. Children like to learn from real "masters,"
and grandparents can provide that opportunity.
- The gift of change. Grandparents
are experts in change. They may have seen the first televisions,
the first computers, and the first space flights. By sharing
memories of these experiences, grandparents can help children
understand that life is always full of change.
- The gift of heritage. Whether they live many miles away from their grandchildren
or just down the block, grandparents can do much to give children
a feeling of family and a sense of security and belonging. Grandparents
can enrich the lives of other family members by providing continuity
between past, present, and future as they share memories about
the days when their children were young.
- The gift of hope. Because
of their extensive life experience, grandparents can give young
people a sense of hope for the future. By sharing their trials
and tribulations, older people help children understand that
they too can overcome difficulties.
- The gift of happy memories. Warm moments with grandparents can be special memories--experiences
that provide strength during difficult times. Kind words, loving
gestures, and special times create fond memories that last a
lifetime.
- The gift of love and acceptance. It means a lot to know that whether you fail a test,
break a glass, or lose a ball game, grandparents still love and
accept you. The gift of "I love you, no matter what,"
whether spoken aloud, written in a letter, or shown by deeds,
will be the most treasured and remembered present of all.
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For Further Reading
Wilson, E. Grandparenting. Oklahoma
State University Extension Service.
Smith, C. A Code for Grandparents.
Kansas State University Extension Service.
Lanson, P. Keeping the Grand in Grandparent.
Texas Agricultural Extension Service.
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Prepared
by Donna Gregerson, Extension agent, Benton County, Oregon State
University.
January 1996.
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