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Communication Strategies for Adult Couples FS 322-e September 1994 L.D. Hall Do you want to print a copy? We recommend downloading the print version (29 K). First download the free Adobe Reader, if you don't already have it. Communication is basic to a relationship. What is communication? The word means "to make common." It is the process of interacting, of creating and negotiating meanings. Your feelings, communication style, family of origin, gender, and culture all affect your communication. Poor communication can lead to problems, including conflict. Conflict itself, however, is not a problem--depending on how you handle it. All couples argue and disagree at times. If you can learn to "fight fairly," your chances of staying together are high. When you are in conflict with your partner, ask yourself: "What can we learn from this? How can we grow from this situation?" The process of communicating can be more important than the actual message. How we communicate affects what we communicate. According to some research, couples who describe themselves as "happy" do the following more often than couples who describe themselves as "unhappy": Talk with each other Discuss personal topics Avoid dwelling on topics of conflict Paraphrase each other Are sensitive to each other's feelings Keep communication channels open Use nonverbal communication Characteristics of enduring relationships Learning to accept and tolerate differences and weaknesses in relationships is important. Research studies have identified five important characteristics of enduring relationships: Intimacy Commitment Communication Congruence (shared perceptions of how the relationship is going and shared expectations of the relationship) World view (religious/spiritual orientation) Persevere in your relationship. When things are hard, enduring couples are optimistic that things will improve.  Reflective listening Listening is an important part of communicating well. "Reflective listening" can help you communicate better. Here are a few of the do's and don'ts of reflective listening. Do Listen with more than your ears Watch your partner's face Watch your body language Watch your partner's body language Listen for your tone of voice Listen for your partner's tone of voice Repeat back what you hear so everything has been understood Share roles of sender and receiver Be totally present Take responsibility for your own behavior Don't Interrupt Make sarcastic comments Judge or criticize Ignore feelings Think of what you'll say next Make broad, negative statements Cross-complain Use irrational tactics   Steps to use in communicating Recognize when an issue needs to be discussed--deal with the issue when it arises, rather than letting it build up and then explode Set a time that is mutually acceptable and without distractions Use good communication skills--listen carefully, and take turns speaking and listening Respect each other; be courteous Define the topic, issue, or problem specifically; stick to one issue Speak for yourself only; share feelings; identify how you think your behavior contributes to the problem Realize that happiness is inside a person, rather than something someone else provides for you Don't take your partner for granted Take a timeout, if necessary Just sharing and listening may take care of the issue. If not, you may need to problem solve: Identify alternative solutions Focus Compromise Negotiate solutions Implement a solution Later: Evaluate the solution Think of another solution, if necessary Positive support: building self-esteem Valuing yourself and others is important. It involves sharing, appreciating, being affectionate, and providing a sense of belonging. Expressing appreciation Steps in the appreciation cycle include: Identifying Expressing Receiving Learn to see the positive in the other. Express I-statements such as: "I appreciate . . . I especially enjoy . . . I love you because. . ." It's also important to receive appreciation graciously, rather than to brush it off. Tell your partner you feel good that she/he noticed. When you feel appreciated, you feel better about yourself. Just like children, our self-worth rises when we receive positive strokes. On the other hand, when we are put down, it can take a lot of positive strokes to make up the hurt. Summary Building a strong relationship as partners will affect you as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. This building process takes commitment, effort, and patience. It can provide joy, challenge, and opportunities for growth. A good relationship is full of vitality. Set goals for the relationship. Make it a priority in your lives! Prepared by Leslie D. Hall, graduate student in human development and family sciences, Oregon State University. September 1994.

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